I saw an old man riding a bicycle yesterday.
There was an old woman sitting sideways in between the handlebars and him as he rode across the zebra crossing that the 154 I was in stopped at.
It made me smile.

No doubt about that, best Christmas ever. Not just because of the presents and seemingly endless supply of awesome munchies, this year's greatest gift will withstand the test of time into eternity. Technically, it's not my present, but I still derive the pleasure from it. It is the ultimate demonstration of how forces beyond our control work to form the pieces in the larger picture. Beyond our control it may be, but we still have a role to play. Like anything worth the effort, the process towards achieving the goal is arduous as best, but at the end of the day, the finished product should make any pain suffered throughout worth it.

Yet, can we ever say we have attained the 'finished product'? There never seems to be an end as we strive towards perfection, albeit in the knowledge that perfection is not possible through human hands and human effort. In this case, it can be simplified into 'doing the right thing'. Alas, the 'right thing' is often the hardest to do. (Screw all the KI shit about 'what is right', that's beside the point.) It seems the only way to do the right thing, in order to prevent others from stumbling, is to deny yourself. It's not merely a self-preservation kinda thing, it's to preserve and protect the others around you as well.

'... set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.' - 1 Timothy 4:12b

Even though every move you make is judged by the world, neither their appraisals nor condemnations shoud mean anything. Ultimately, it's between you and God. Can you stand before Him on Judgment Day and know for certain that you have a place in heaven? Embracing rebellious tendencies and the like now may seem nothing more than tough talk, but eternal suffering is not a joking matter. Death isn't the end, it's only the cue for eternity to begin. What is the seemingly trying process of denying yourself 'pleasures' on earth now pales in worth when compared to the final reward which is eternal relief from pain.

And I know, there'll be no more tears in heaven.

I’ve not blogged in over a year. The last post was dated right after last year’s Lifeskills Camp. It takes a lot to warrant a blog post, but I thought this deserves one. It’s finally starting to sink in that season’s over, albeit slowly. 4 games: 1 win, 1 draw, 2 losses. In my perhaps biased opinion, these results do not do justice to the quality of this team. At the end of the day, we couldn’t grind out results despite outplaying the opponents and having more possession of the ball. Lapses of concentration gifted precious goals to the other side and cost us some points, but I’m not complaining.

For all this general talk, perhaps specifics aren’t important, especially since none of the intended parties will read this. But for what it’s worth, individual praises and thanks have got to be given. I’ve never imagined myself playing in defence prior to this year, and I’m definitely not the most defensive-minded player. So I guess the player I’m most directly indebted to would be Wan Qin. Lost count of the number of times she saved my ass after I let an opponent pass me or do something stupid like screw up a clearance. Speaking of clearances, Yue Yang blew me away with her consistent clearances (and throw-ins) down the right. And I guess I’ll forever be tickled by images of her losing her cool and yelling at opposing players. Heh.

Central midfield’s probably the most difficult position to play, always being in the thick of things. How much more difficult it must be having to juggle that along with having to watch out for all the other 10 players on your team. You’ve got to command respect, keep every head up and your presence has to be felt. The captain’s armband’s easy to wear, but the responsibility it entails is mind-blowing. It’s like how technically everyone can sing, but not everyone can sing well. Likewise, anyone can be a captain, but it takes a special someone to be a good captain. And I’ve not been let down.

Finally, for the most unique person on the pitch, the goalie! Ha, Shao. I always say that I’ll watch your back, but it ended up being more of the other way round. Perhaps you didn’t realise it but that save against SRJC allowed us all to continue hoping for another 3 days. Sorry for conceding that penalty against RJC. Ack. Anyway, doing tournament count-downs in lectures, discussing tactics during tutorials, talking about the team over lunch… that was some awesome fun. Ha, you did well, dude. Rock on.

My only regret of not qualifying is that we’d have no tangible thing to show for the team spirit that’s been built up over the past 4 months. It’s not easy to build a team; it’s even harder to build a team when results don’t go your way. But we did it and we’ve got nothing to be ashamed of. It’s due to the people in the team that I can say, without a doubt, that I have not, for one instance, regretted my decision to join soccer. It’s because of the people that this trophy-less season has been the most rewarding one of all the sports competitions I’ve ever participated in. And there’s no way on earth that I would trade playing with this team for winning the championship with VJC.

Yes, following the trend of writing about camp, even though it's been over for quite a few days now. Imagine: a week ago, we were freaking out about being superbly unprepared for performing. Then walking into D'Marquee and freaking out again over the sheer size of the place, and the stage.

From the morning of the first day of camp, the pace was set at break-neck speed, running all over the place and skipping flag-raising to squeeze the drumset into Mr Khoo's car (and scratching his car seat in the process). Ack. Anyway, I don't need to give a whole run-through of each day, Char's beat me to that. So, just some stuff:

1. Shao, you and your flat head! Perfect posture, eh. Maybe you should've gone up for that straightest thingum. 5 books ain't no mean feat. I can't even balance one.

2. Make-up course. was. horrid. That woman did evil things to me, and my eyelashes. Damn, felt like they were glued together, and couldn't get it off. Thanks Chan Yi for helping in that. Shao and Char had funky 'injuries', no fair.

3. Malay Extravaganza. Everyone looked real good. Shades or no shades. The glam girls. The goth girls. 412's sashes. Nice class photos from that night.

4. Midnight. Photos, of which I have not been able to lay my hands on yet, at this point in time. What happened in the room, stays in the room. Sorry Char, maybe bringing the cards over was a bad idea. Thanks to Shao for being such a light sleeper and waking up to open the door for us at 3am. Who's idea was it again to sleep in the shirts we wore? Yeah man, the connecting door is an entrance to 2 entirely different worlds. You have the make-up enthusiasts on one side (who spilt nail polish on our floor!) who complain of the smell of our room when we very much can't really stand the smell of yours either. And on the other side, you have, well, Wolffe. I swear it's the best rooming I've ever had. 3 minutes shower time each ain't nothing we can't handle, (even if it means not buttoning your shirt 'til you're out of the bathroom, or not tucking it into your pants, oh well, to quote Deb: 'Nice boxers, Shao!'

5. Char, you heal fast. Really fast. That lip's almost complete again. How's the gum though?

6. Hosting thingum. Was. A. Waste. Of. Time.

7. I like games. Even though they were indoor. But this is where I start my apology bit. Firstly, sorry to Rachel, for not carrying you properly. I should've made you feel safe being on my shoulders, and not afraid that you'll fall off any minute. Yep, I wasn't steady. And yeah, sorry for sweating on people while we were all squashed together like sardines in a can. Ack. Er... yeah. And the airplane toss game. I was a lousy catcher, should've let Shao or Yang Zi do it. Goalie skills come naturally to them, which is more than I can say for myself. Hitting the airplanes with the hoop isn't the same as letting them go through the hoop. Ugh. And yeah, for the water transporting game, sorry I wasn't very stable and spilt loads of water while taking forever to transfer the cup onto the tray or whatever. Thanks to those who covered my back when my foot screwed up, yeah. 2nd place for games, not bad. By the way, Deb, hope your foot's fine.

8. Formal dinner. Mental images of Shao and I frantically trying to remember the tune and lyrics, respectively, for Rhythm of the Rain, and Wonderful Tonight, even though we didn't sing those in the end. Bouncing around to random songs that played, random censored songs that is. Funky for my parents to show up, I guess. About the food, hmm... well, no comment.

9. Class parade! Thanks for the awesome choreography that garnered praises from tons of people. Brilliance on the part of Michelle, Hui Shi, Rachel, Noreen, Louise, Yang Zi, and thanks to them for painstakingly teaching it to us. Got the people right, right? Whoever, it was cool. Sorry for losing the beat from the start, posing at the wrong time, confusing Shao and Deb (I think), stoning on stage and walking too fast at the end. Yep. 40'.

10. Thanks muchly to all the well wishes and comforting words after the performance, which was painful. Seriously. To those who couldn't hear me singing, count yourselves lucky, it was way off. What minimized the damage would've been Char's fabulous drumming, as usual, and Deb and Shao's steady playing. Many thanks to Chan Yi for helping count the beat for This Love when I was drumming, would've been way more screwed up if not for you, on my part at least. Sorry for not being able to work the crowd. On a side note though, Deb, Shao, you have no idea how many people have told me that you two looked cute and blur. -cough- Talk about booming fanclub memberships, now we know whose are going through the roof. Not to mention Char, who got stopped for photo-taking sessions countless times. I laugh.

11. About the emo-ing in our room after that dismal outing. Well, glad we sorted out our thinking. Kudos to Deb for making the 'Go Away' sign. Ha. Sorry to those whom we chased off and might've shouted at to go away when you guys wanted to take photos. And thanks to our connecting-door neighbours for the note. Thanks a lot really, even though I don't think we really showed our appreciation.

12. A thousand apologies for screwing up the opening of the wine bottle. I can't believe how retarded I was to forget to cut open the top first. Ack. Sorry for the corky wine. And for stealing somebody's bed (I think it was Amanda's? or Claire's? I'm not sure.) and for keeping up with the seemingly traditional habit of not going back to my room at least one night of camp. Sorry guys, didn't want to wake you up at 4 something. (Not to mention that I did not know whether you guys really went ahead with Deb's shirtless idea. Now, wouldn't have been good for me to walk in then if that was the case, no?) Sorry to Sarah if I kicked you or took too much blanket or something. So yes, 2 nights of sleeping without changing out of the shirt worn to dinner.

13. Yes, we wore the same shirt again to breakfast and class dance competition. Think I was sufficiently invisible in the class dance, thank goodness. Yang Zi, yoga is in your roots. Fantastic job with the choreography, Yang Zi and Louise. Yep. Wolffe, funky emcee-ing, though I had no idea what the heck to say. But you guys are naturals at it, and apparently it was a job well done. Great job stalling for time, guys. Hmm...I've never imagined myself doing emcee-ing.

14. Yeah, this is ending soon. Shall end of with shout-outs to Wolffe, the coolest roomies/ bandmates.

Char: Thanks totally for patiently teaching me how to drum, and play the guitar. And for sorting out the songs, arrangement, etc etc etc, and especially the equipment. Yeah. Hmmm... Oh yeah, and the clothes. Scary to admit, but Wolffe consists of the best shoppers ever, we pwn all you shopaholics! Great drumming on stage by the way. No need for me to comment on your fanclub status, you probably have a better idea of its exponential growth.

Deb: I'm absolutely positive that your figures are screwed. I shan't attempt to conjure up new figures, but 1 or 2 new additions to your fanclub is crazy. You should probably keep on the shades when you walk around school to avoid being swamped. People do go for the dao one. Anyway, no need for you to apologise about anything, you really didn't screw anything up, or at least I can't think of any. Fun being roommates, and you did well on stage, no kidding. Thanks.

Shao: Thanks for sharing the pre-performance nerves with me. And for waking up to open the door in the wee hours of the morning. And sorry to tell you, but you are not the unknown, dao bassist. Ha, you're smiling in all the shots I have of you on stage. Man, you rock at memorising lyrics, which is seriously more than what I can say about myself. Took the entire dinner to remember 4 lines. Heh. Yeah man, you were great, rock on.

So Wolffe, regain credibility. We're not done for yet. Back and forth, we sway like branches in a storm; change of weather, still together when it ends...

[edit] One more thing to add, sorry for all the pre-camp friction, what with the roomings, amongst other stuff.

Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safer in my room
Unless I try to start again

I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cos inside I realise
That I'm the one confused
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit tonight

Cultured my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I heard much more
Than anytime before
I have no options left again

I'll paint it on the walls
'Cos I'm the one that falls
I'll never fight again
And this is how it ends

I don't know what worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity
To show you what I mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So, I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit tonight.

It's so hard to believe you're gone. Even now, I wake with a sense of disbelief. You're gone. Each morning, I rise reluctantly, wondering whether to live the day or just let it wash over me. I walk numbly, listlessly, drifting like a phantom. I feel apart from my body. I am half a person. You're gone.

From the start, everyone knew you were different. There was something more there. A mysterious glow, a strange, unfamiliar beauty. But somehow, I felt like I'd known you all my life. Maybe I did. Could it be?

I always believed in you. And I believe you always believed in me. You spoke to me, about me, for me. During some of my most trying times, you shone like a beacon of guidance and strength. Aa rock. Someone real! I idolised you. I wanted to be you.

Some said you were messed up, disturbed - a bad role model. Some said power changed you, that you couldn't handle it. They said your style was scandalous, your conduct immoral. And that's true. You were abrasive, gritty and tough. You were reckless. A loner. And sometimes you just made me mad. But that's because I loved you and because, despite everything, I always trusted you. Aand then it happened. But it wasn't your fault. It was our fault. My fault.

For everything we put you through, that life put you through, that you put yourself through, I'm sorry. Your struggles with success, etc. - I knew you never really meant to hurt anyone. How can a butterfly cause harm? It is with high hopes and a full heart that I say: Beautiful butterfly, fly free, fly strong, live forever.

I love you.

I want to lose all inhibitions so that I could say the things I want so badly to say. But for now, I shall stick to idle bullshit that's hitting strikes at whatever's coming my way. If only I had the guts to do/ say the stuff I want to do. Cowardice is a symptom of a repressed personality? How's that possible? Is anything and everything possible? Is possibility an ideal? Is it possible for ideals to be realistic? SPASTIC, STUPID SHIT. The act of avoiding alliteration is an irony, but what's wrong with irony? Nothing's a clear right or a clear wrong.

A second entry in less than a week, at this rate, I'll probably post more in a month than I did the whole of last year. Blogging's stressful to me, I'd say, but desperate times calls for desperate measures. I'd try about anything.

I'm sorry to say this, but I will have to lie, it's the only way to preserve my sanity and ease my paranoia.

Angsty entries are fun to read, so why friends-lock entries?

I just want you to go away. 7 days is too long to wait. I want the haven where I can slip into back, the deafening silence, where I don't have to hide. Give it back, wanker.

I hate it when you have something to say but daren't say it to me. Which might in fact be better, but it still annoys me somewhat, I guess. I don't know. I don't know? Yeah, I don't know.

Applaude the times gone by, the times when you made me look like a fool.

Disjointed thoughts. Incoherence. Are signs of _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _? Hangman sucks.

Self-absorbed. Selfish. Characteristics of a weak personality. Be larger than life, whatever the hell the means. Quotes are nice, but nice quotes are hard to find. The word 'nice' is overused. Rambling is an entertaining past-time only for the creative and flexible minds. Don't expect me to trust you.

Never usually means for a while. For things to be eternal, with no possibility of return, is beyond my imagination, for I can't even think beyond 4 weeks. Fun. Is laughter a way to cover up things? You can hide many things behind a smile. Apparently it's possible to feel the warmth behind a smile if it's sincere, but am I just too oblivious? Juvenile thoughts that inspired 'My Father Began As A God', I hated that poem in primary school. (P5, that was an ok year, I guess, probably better than P4 and P6 combined.) The first impression of people whom you do not immediately hate is sort of perfect, but immature minds tend to dwell of the apparent absence of flaws in character. Inevitably, imperfections cannot be ignored or hidden forever, and when it becomes impossible to not take notice anymore, feels like your whole world falls apart. Misplaced hopes? Or delusions?

Ever hated someone so much that you felt you could kill them there and then? Plunge a knife into them, and then mutilate their bodies 'til they're beyond recognition? Except that that's not the normal protocol of things. So what do you end up doing? The blood you bleed you imagine to be bled by them, the pain you feel you imagine to be felt by them. If you're of a less violent nature, whatever you do is meant as punishment for yourself, for screwing up things, for... not being perfect. But inside you want comfort, you want attention, you want love. And this, I ask you, is how you're trying to get it. Within the social standards of our society, one does not go screaming out for attention. This is a silent way. One that seems so obvious, yet so discreet at the same time. The beauty of being able to manipulate, yet be vulnerable at the same time. Walking around in hope, that a specific someone or someones, will notice, but yet hoping that they don't. The internal struggle of whether your NEED for care takes precedence over hurting someone with the knowledge that you hurt.

I don't know what you're feeling. I don't know what you're thinking. I don't know if it's a facade (though it probably is). Such a violent change, gone seemingly unnoticed by everyone but me (paranoia, or self-praise). I don't know what I've done. I don't know what I've said. I don't know if it'll ever be the same again (though it probably won't). For the times gone past, I must say I knew it wouldn't last. Right from the very beginning, but now it's the end. Sensitivity is definitely your virtue, though you may not know it. You could make me bite my tongue and take even more shit than I thought I could, by just saying something that made me relax. Yet, with the same ease, you could stir up so much turmoil by not even saying anything. Yes, you have power.

And you. Wallowing in self-pity, as if you were so weak as to be incapable of accomplishing anything. That is very true, but only because you're a wimp.

That's enough. I'm tired. The flaws and imperfections are just too obvious. I did try to overlook, and managed for a while. But none of you did your part. Which is why respect can turn to scorn and love can turn to hate. Some have tried, and I appreciate that, which is why my good opinion is not lost. But who cares about my opinion, that's not important. But can you just THINK before you act?

Hiding in the corner,
With his wings tucked in,
Tears in his eyes,
And cuts in his skin,
He once was innocent,
At some point in time,
Because of his scars,
He's no longer divine,
His wings are withered,
His arms rest on his knees,
His tears run down,
As fast as his wrist bleeds,
Do you see him,
Hiding over there,
Are you going to act,
Like you don't care,
In torment and tears,
He does dwell,
We cannot help,
This Tainted Angel...


Did anyone understand Lucifer?
Did anyone take pity on him?
Did anyone love him ever?
This deformed creature of sin.

Hmmm... Only blog here right before I go on a holiday? The gripe is still the same: I don't particularly want to go. I don't want to see my brother, least of all, see him graduate. Mean? Big deal. Never missed him, never minded him leaving, never wanted to speak to him on the phone. To put it mildly, I don't like him, but I can't say it, of course. I can, however, show it.

All I would like to imagine now, is the 4 of them being in whichever part of the world they want to be in, and me having the whole house to myself. I'd get bored, I'd miss out on the sight-seeing. But at least I won't have to make small talk and pretend to be interested in the lives of people I couldn't care less about.

The aftermath of PTM hasn't hit me yet, I successfully locked myself in my room the whole afternoon. But The Talk will come, sooner rather than later, and I can't blame anyone else, not that I would though. Hopefully it won't last for very long.

Well, at least I've got something to look forward to: Krispy Kreme doughnuts!